Feared Read online

  Mary thought back to the first time she had seen that poster, on her last visit. It had made her worry about her job, and everything that went with it. But that was before John had been murdered and everything else happened. She had tried so hard since then to catch Machiavelli. She had come so close to getting him, even today, with Flavia. She had come so close.

  A wave of frustration washed over her, and she closed her eyes. A tear slipped out, she could feel its wetness on her cheek. She didn’t try to wipe it away. Instead, she let herself go. Her arms fell back, her chest rose heavenward, and she felt everything she was feeling. She tried to set her worries aside, like the poster said, but it wasn’t so easy to set that burden down. She sensed that was part of being a mother, too.

  Another tear rolled down her cheek, but she had to surrender. It was so hard to stop now, but she needed to rest, even she had to admit it. Her body was trying to tell her something, so was her baby. And now, her doctor.

  Mary couldn’t deny it anymore. It was common sense. She had to go home, go to bed, and slow down.

  The very next thought that popped into her head was that she could work from home, then she stopped herself before she went mentally further, checking her thoughts the way the monitor checked her baby’s heartbeat. She couldn’t work from home, or she didn’t want to. She didn’t have the energy. She was out of gas. She didn’t even have the strength right now to call anybody and fill them in on what had happened at Machiavelli’s.

  Mary had to face the fact that she certainly couldn’t catch Machiavelli from home. Maybe that was why he had stayed in the waiting room. He probably wanted to relish his victory or throw it in her face. Or maybe he was still nursing his crush, regardless of the promise he had made his mother. She had to believe that he would adhere to what he’d said about the lawsuits, and Bennie and the others would accept that as a consolation prize. But they all wanted John’s killer brought to justice and would settle for nothing less.

  Mary resolved to hand that baton off to them. Bennie, Judy, Anne, and Lou were more than capable of functioning without her, and Mary had come to a fork in the road, one she had been avoiding thinking about. It was time to let them go too, and all of the things that came with them, things she loved so much, things that were a part of her work life and her personal life, which had been knitted together like the yarn of a favorite sweater. Or that beautiful baby blanket that Judy had weaved for her, on her loom.

  Mary kept her eyes closed and let her thoughts run free, and so many memories bubbled to the surface of her consciousness, the endless containers of take-out lo mein during trial prep, the silly notes passed during client meetings, and the wacky adventures they had gone on together, over the years. She remembered the clients that had been so much a part of her, her old friend Simon Pensiera, whose little girl Rachel had ultimately pulled through, and adorable Patrick, a dyslexic boy who had touched her heart so much that she wanted to adopt him, and even the time that Pigeon Tony had been accused of murdering his lifelong rival, from back in the days of Fascist Italy.

  Mary opened her eyes, and her wet gaze returned to the graph paper of her baby’s heartbeat, and she realized what she had been doing wrong. She had been focusing so much on what she had to leave behind that all she thought was how much she was losing. Her only consolation to date had been the pregnancy, which was nauseating, literally.

  She looked at that heartbeat and realized that she wasn’t on her own anymore. There really was another human being living inside her, and their hearts were beating together, inseparable now and probably forever, if her mother was an example, or even Machiavelli’s mother, or Conchetta, or Marshall, or any of the vast tribe of mothers she knew in her life.

  Mary felt a rush of gratitude that the baby was okay, because in the car on the way here with Machiavelli, she had entertained so many darker possibilities. She had taken for granted the baby’s life within her, and she could never do that again.

  Her hand went to her belly, this time not trying to test if anything was wrong, but cradling the baby. She found herself wondering if it was really a boy or girl, since all of the poll results were different, and either way, what it would look like, if it would have thick hair like Anthony, or be nearsighted like her, or be short like her parents, or bedazzled like El Virus. Her heart filled at the thought of how happy everybody would be when the baby finally came, especially her and Anthony.

  And when she focused on that little child, curled up within her, it was easy to set her other worries aside, to fight the impulse to call Bennie and others, check her phone, read her email, or do anything else in the world. Somehow along the way, Mary had forgotten that the most important thing to her was family.

  And now she had a family of her own.

  This was where her family started, right here, right now.

  With a mother, and a child.

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  Mary got home exhausted and let herself into the house, which was quiet, still, and darkening as twilight fell, though she didn’t bother to turn on a light. She felt like she needed to sleep for about three days and she was going straight to bed. She’d called Judy and Bennie from the cab, filling them in on everything that had happened, and they’d felt just like she did, torn. It was maddening that they couldn’t prove Machiavelli’s involvement in John’s murder, but they were amazed to hear that she’d been able to get Machiavelli to withdraw the reverse-discrimination Complaint and settle London Technologies.

  She dropped her purse on the floor and walked over the mail scattered on the floor of the entrance hall, which had been delivered through the slot in the front door. She didn’t care about the bills or anything else. She was leaving everything behind, but in a good way, especially since she had handed off the baton to Judy and Bennie. They had probably already sprung into action, calling Machiavelli, drafting the withdrawal papers for the reverse-discrimination Complaint, and starting negotiations on London Technologies.

  Mary climbed the stairs wearily, holding on to the railing. The only sounds were her padded footfalls on the carpeted stair and the creak of the wood beneath, since it was an old house. She tried not to think about the fact that she hadn’t been able to prove that Machiavelli was behind John’s murder. She told herself that he would be brought to justice, especially with the others on the case, or that sooner or later, the police would realize that Shanahan was a false lead. She reminded herself that not everything could be accomplished as fast as she wanted. She soothed herself by saying that she had made incredible progress in a very short time.

  She reached the second floor, but she had a bitter taste in her mouth, no matter what she told herself. The truth was that she had tried so hard to make it happen, and she had come so close, but she had failed. John had been brutally murdered, and she hadn’t been able to do anything about it. She thought of William at the duck pond, and how anguished he had been. She thought of the Hodges at the memorial luncheon, and how forlorn they had been. And in the end, she thought of John, who came through so beautifully for her when they had worked together. He had never left her side, not for a minute. And though Judy had told Sanjay and Jim they should be loyal to John in death, in the end, Mary had been unable to show him the loyalty he had shown her.

  She felt tears well in her eyes, not happy tears but miserable tears, and by the time she got to her bedroom, all she could do was crawl into bed in her clothes, curl herself around her baby, and cry them both to sleep.

  She didn’t wake up until after seven o’clock, when her phone pinged with an excitable text from Judy: WE HAVE AHHHMMMAAAAAZING NEWS!!! WE’RE COMING OVER TO CELEBRATE!!! SEE YOU IN 15 WITH PIZZZZAAAAAAA!!!

  Mary texted back, Great, what happened? Let yourself in. I’m upstairs.

  OK, YOU’LL SEEEEEEEEE!! XOXOXXOOXOXX OXOXO

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  Mary sat up happily against her headboard, since her bedroom had been invaded by complete chaos, bearing carbohydrates. Bennie, Judy, Anne, Lou, and Rog
er had stacked pizza boxes on her dresser, with several bottles of champagne, soda, water, paper plates and napkins. The aroma of hot pizza and cold champagne filled the air, an unexpectedly fragrant combination. Corks had been popped, gooey pizza had been distributed on sagging plates, and everybody stood grinning in a circle around Mary’s bed, refusing to tell her the good news until everything was ready.

  “So what happened?” Mary asked, delighted. “Tell me!”

  Bennie raised a plastic glass of champagne. “DiNunzio, we toast to you, even though you can’t drink the good stuff.”

  “To Mary!” Judy beamed, holding up her paper cup.

  “To Mary and her baby!” Anne held up her cup, grinning ear to ear.

  “Yes, to Mary and her baby!” Lou and Roger joined in, standing together, raising cups of champagne.

  “To me, the baby, and Anthony!” Mary raised her bottle of water, hoping that the good news had to do with John’s murder. “Now tell me what happened!”

  Bennie sipped her champagne, then took a deep breath. “We have reached a settlement with the other side in London Technologies, and it’s a whopper.”

  Mary masked her disappointment with a smile. “That’s great news! What did you settle for? And how did it come about?”

  Bennie practically wriggled with delight, warming to the story. “Well, after we got the call from you, Anne and I called Marcus Benedict. You know, from Barrett & Tottenham.”

  “Yes, I met him when I defended Alex Chen’s deposition.”

  “Oh, right.” Bennie nodded, still buoyant. “It took the whole night to hash it out, but we reached an agreement in principle. We can’t say they were difficult negotiations, as we’d like to take the credit. We know you get the credit, behind the scenes.”

  Anne interjected, “Yes, we know that, Mary, and if you ask me, I thought Benedict was relieved to talk settlement. He knew it was a loser and we’re both guessing that was Machiavelli who told him that they could settle.”

  Mary agreed completely. “It must have been, that’s why he did what he did. He didn’t want to pay to settle, but he also knew he’d lose.”

  Bennie nodded. “Right, that’s true. We know that he had marching orders from Machiavelli to settle, thanks to you.”

  “Thanks to Flavia.” Mary forced a smile. “I didn’t want to bargain with him. I wanted to put him behind bars, for John.”

  “Understood, and I agree, we all do.” Bennie’s smile evaporated, and so did everybody else’s. Judy’s face fell, which was so heartbreaking that Mary was sorry she’d said anything, ruining the happy moment.

  “Sorry, honey,” Mary said, trying to recover, and Judy set her plate on the night table and sank onto Mary’s bed, her shoulders slumping.

  “It’s okay, I felt strange too. It’s hard to celebrate. It’s hard to be happy about anything, now.” Judy swallowed hard. “William is still at the hotel with the Hodges, so sad and disoriented. I don’t think he should go back to Glenn Meade until Shanahan is found, just to be on the safe side, but it’s so sad to see him.”

  “I bet. The poor guy.”

  Judy took a deep breath. “But we’re allowed to be happy about the settlement. I know how much John cared about the case and he would’ve been thrilled that all of his hard work paid off, so I think we should enjoy this for him. If we don’t, the terrorists really will have won.”

  “You’re absolutely right,” Mary said, meaning it. She was so proud of her best friend, for showing such bravery and heart in the worst possible circumstances.

  Bennie rallied, straightening. “Yes, I think John would’ve been astounded with the settlement, which is, are you ready—$11 million!”

  “Wow, that’s incredible!” Mary perked up, and so did everybody else, their grins returning.

  “It’s amazing!” Bennie beamed, proudly. “And we’d only just started discovery. It’s a terrific result. We couldn’t be happier. Sanjay and Jim are over the moon. Benedict agreed that Home Hacks and EXMS would return the software they stole, including all copies, and agree not to use it. Sanjay and Jim will agree not to sue them over it, but we’re fine with that. We’re totally vindicated.”

  “I’m so happy!” Anne practically jumped up and down, her gold bangles jingling. “We have to go back to work and draft the settlement agreements tonight, if it takes all night. We want the agreements signed and executed, so Machiavelli can’t pull a fast one.”

  Lou winked. “That’s the move. I still don’t trust him.”

  “Me neither,” Judy said, flatly, then brightened. “And we have more good news, Mary, which is why Roger’s here. Roger, do you want to tell her?”

  “What is it, Roger?” Mary asked, turning to him with a smile, since she liked him better than she used to. In fact, she liked him well enough not to feel embarrassed that he was in her bedroom, which luckily, she’d had a chance to straighten up before they’d arrived, picking up the dirty clothes overflowing the hamper, decorating the doorknobs, and making an attractive tent on the handlebars of her stationary bike.

  Roger stood taller, smiling in his stiffly formal way as he held his champagne cup. “Thanks to your handiwork, the reverse-discrimination suit against you, Bennie, Judy, and the firm has been dropped.”

  “That’s wonderful!” Mary felt her heart lift, even though she had assumed it was coming.

  “In addition, Machiavelli has agreed to issue a press release that there was ‘absolutely no merit to the discrimination allegations’”—Roger made air quotes—“and that his filing of the Complaint with the Human Relations Commission was ‘a passionate advocate’s overzealous reaction to the plaintiffs’ failure to be hired.’ So he managed to absolve you of any wrongdoing—and promote himself at the same time.”

  “That’s great!” Mary said, surprised. “I didn’t even think to ask him for that. You never see anything like that in a settlement. It does absolve us and it undoes his smear campaign.”

  Bennie nodded. “It sure does, and I’m delighted.”

  “Me too,” Judy chimed in, beaming.

  Mary turned to Roger, marveling. “How did you get Machiavelli to agree to that?”

  “I threatened to get him disbarred.”

  Mary burst into startled laughter. “That’s exactly what I would’ve done! I threatened him with that, too.”

  “That doesn’t surprise me, Mary.” Roger shrugged happily. “When we were together at the interview today, you said you learned something from me. Maybe I learned something from you, too.”

  “Aw.” Mary felt a rush of happiness, bubbling out of nowhere. “You know, I have to tell you, when I went down to South Philly and saw my former clients, they all knew about it and what Machiavelli had said about us. They all had something to say about it. Some of them even called my mother.”

  Roger’s smile broadened. “Is that a South Philly thing?”

  “No, it’s a Mary DiNunzio thing,” Judy interjected, and they laughed, including Mary.

  “Anyway, I didn’t realize how important my reputation was to me, truly. And it wasn’t just about my client base or whether they’re going to keep giving me business. It was just about what people think of me, in the world.” Mary heard herself talking, realizing that she hadn’t acknowledged how much Machiavelli’s smears had gotten under her skin. “And now I’m going to have this baby and I don’t want him, or her, to hear bad things about me. I don’t want her tainted with any of that. So thank you, Roger, for restoring our reputation.”

  “You’re welcome.” Roger bowed mock-comically.

  Bennie smiled. “I feel the same way, even though I don’t have a child. We’re known in this city. Our names stand for something. Integrity. Hard work. Quality. Justice.”

  “Don’t forget attitude,” Lou added, chuckling.

  Judy grinned. “You mean swagger.”

  Roger smiled slyly. “However, do you know what the Sage has to say about reputation?”

  Judy looked over. “No, what?”


  Bennie snorted. “Who cares?”

  Everybody laughed, and Mary was inclined to agree, but didn’t say so because Roger looked like he was warming up to tell them, whether they wanted to know or not.

  “Lao-Tzu said, ‘Reputation should be neither sought nor avoided.’”

  Bennie looked at Roger like he was crazy. “Oh please, enough with the Sage. What does he know?”

  “He’s a sage,” Roger answered, good-naturedly. “That means he knows everything.”

  Everybody burst into new laughter, and Lou threw a napkin at Roger. Mary felt happier than she had in a long time, surrounded by people she would miss, but without the panicky feeling she’d had before. She knew she wasn’t going to lose them and that the baby was just the next chapter in their lives together. She felt an ease inch over her and she sank back in the pillows.

  Judy caught her eye. “You tired, honey?”

  “Just a little.”

  “I bet. Okay, we’re out of here.” Judy rose, businesslike. “Bennie and Anne are going back to the office to draft the settlement papers. Lou is going back to John’s to keep looking for cameras, God bless him. Roger and I are going to clean up this mess because we’re sharing a cab home, since he lives near the hotel.”

  Mary waved them off. “No, you and Roger go, too. I can do it later, don’t worry about it.”

  Judy shot her a look. “Don’t even start with me. We’re not leaving you with this mess.”

  Roger looked around. “We need a trashbag. Do you have some, Mary?”

  “Roger, please, you don’t have to clean—”

  Judy interrupted, turning to Roger. “Trashbags are in the kitchen island, top drawer on the left.”